Another old man's life in living post

‎Wednesday, ‎January ‎31, ‎2018

                              Old man going off that deep end or what?

I was just wondering, at what point do you feel yourself slipping away from the real world? It usually happens to me when I'm exhausted. It also happens a lot in the winter when It's dark outside and I'm used to it being light at that time of the night.
I start to feel like I'm slipping away when I stop to think about things. At any given moment I'm under anxiety and paranoia, but I've trained myself to live with it and not pay it much mind. When I stop to think about it, its origins, how long it will last and so on, I start to get scared which makes the kind of manic.

And what does it feel like?

I feel disconnected like I'm in a dream. I feel like I'm surrounded by clouds. I talk to myself in my head. I'll do something and then be like, wait, when did I start moving? I chew on the inside of my mouth. And It's really weird but I start feeling like I'm actually autistic and autism is causing me to feel and act like this.
I was just wondering, at what point do you feel yourself slipping away from the real world?
When I become withdrawn, depressed, become delusional ... start thinking things that really aren't true (but at the time I believe them).  I don't want to do anything, talk to anyone, go out anywhere.  And just sit in a chair staring. Which I do a lot. In fact, my car has set for over a month, and I need to force myself to deal with the outside world. But, fear to go out in public not out of fear of public, out of concern as to what I would do if someone approached in a way that I felt in another country so many years ago. Hear a test of the siren city as to fire or storm whatever, I hear them as an attack is coming, not as they are now. I even see these alerts on television when I have the tv on, which is not often since I don't have cable or anything worth looking at. Big screen television and use it for oversize computer digging information.
  But, will sit for hours just staring at nothing even if at something, really nothing.
As for what it feels like?  That's kind of complicated and hard to describe.  It's like a haze/fog sets in my mind and I'm suddenly walking through mud and can't sort my thoughts properly.  I start talking about what appears to be myself more often, just lots of stuff.  I start feeling like nothing's quite real like it is but it isn't.  Good question.
Also, being extra stressed will cause me to hallucinate more, etc, eventually leading to feeling like I'm slipping away from the world.
I start to feel paranoid, my speech starts to get disorganized. I skip words in my sentences or I stop midsentence and can't finish it. I am on that borderline right now, where I have been tired and starting to feel a little off. I also talk to people and then I can only pay attention for a few seconds and fade out. So I have no idea what they said and how to answer their question. You can only say, "Wait, what?" so many times before people get annoyed.
I just try to rest and reality check myself, like okay there isn't anything over by the mailbox, and no, the thing hovering in the sky isn't an alien ship, it's an airplane. I think.
 Oh well, back to checking the news around the world as seem to see someone in much worth shape than me daily. No, a lot of people in worst shape. Back to my silent world until whatever and whenever. 71 years of age, and think of nothing but of those that I use to go to school with, in the military with and just everyday friends that use to be there like family used to be. Now, just me and my own little space with the VA doctor and his prescriptions to keep me going like that battery rabbit. Why, I don't know, as never sleep as now everyone asleep and I am going to warm up some days old pizza and coke zero of course and back to the same old routine. Friends I do have are too far away for travel for this failing body. Besides gas alone would keep me in another state until next pension payday in order to move forward. They can't do that visit even because you need food and those med's, I know what happens when I try to get off them. No one including myself likes me what so ever. Hell, they don't know. But, at least I can deal with myself. Here I am Viet Nam era, and I really feel for the men and women in this crap now. CRAP!
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